“Gentle parenting is so hard, I’m not sure I’m cut out for it!”
If I had a pound/dollar/euro for everytime I’ve seen this written online I would be a VERY rich woman by now. However it is totally and uttlerly WRONG.
This sentence makes me incredibly sad and frustrated because it highlights how much people don’t understand what Gentle parenting is. In all of my work, I talk about long term goals versus short term goals. Quick fixes that change behaviour today, versus focusing on who your child will be as a teen/adult. Gentle Parenting is very much focused on the latter. It is not about creating calm compliant, obedient robot children, it’s about raising individuals who will be happy and emotionally healthy adults.
The other thing that these articles alway miss is that gentle parenting is bloody hard because ALL parenting is blood hard. The inconvenient truth is that it doesn’t matter what style you follow, beliefs you hold, or techniques you try, it is BLOODY HARD being a parent. This applies whether you label your style strict, gentle, old-school, attachment or any other label. It’s ALL hard. There are no quick fixes and no magic solutions and most importantly there are no perfect parents.
A lot of how our children turn out is due to luck, & things out of our control, including:* genetics* our own upbringing* our economic status* the situations we find ourselves in* the support & information available to us
It really doesn’t matter how you choose to parent, your:
* baby will not sleep through the night* toddler will not avoid tantrums* preschooler will not be a non-fussy eater* six year old will not avoid defiance* tween will not avoid backchat* teen will not be drawn to homework over screens
…and whatever style you follow, you will feel thoroughly exhausted, guilty, confused, desperate for change and an easier life at times.
There is no magic (sorry).
Children behave like children, however much we want them to behave like adults. This doesn’t mean that a style is “not working” if you haven’t created compliant, obedient, easy children who sleep and eat on demand. It means our society’s expectations of children are completely screwed and THAT is what makes everything so damned hard for parents.
When our expectations of children’s behaviour are realistic everything is easier for us – and for them. If we all had realistic expectations we would also demand better from our governments. The fact is, their provision for families is pretty shitty. We aren’t meant to be doing all of this; working full time, trying to keep things afloat (often with no partner) & juggling a million mental load balls.
It feels hard because it is hard, not because gentle parenting (or any other style) doesn’t work and especially not because you are somehow not ‘good enough’ – because you are!
When do you see the big behaviour change and rewards for your hard work? You’ll see glimmers as they approach puberty and in their teens, but you won’t be able to see the full effect of your actions until the 20s and beyond. You must think long term.
We also have to stop talking about ‘failing’ to be a gentle parent. I’ve read so many op eds recently where the author says that they are not cut out for gentle parenting, that it doesn’t work for them or their children because they have too much of a temper, or their children are too feral. They say that the idea of gentle parenting is great for those who are naturally calm, with easy children, but that’s not them. They say they find the concept of gentle parenting toxic to parents, because it makes them feel as if they’re not good enough.
Can we please, once and for all, bust this myth?
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE A PERFECT, CALM, PARENT TO PRACTICE GENTLE PARENTING!!!!!
You absolutely can lose your shit, have a hot temper, make mistakes, get things wrong and have spirited children (so much more on this in my book ‘How to be a Calm Parent’).
So, before you give up on gentle parenting, ask yourself if you truly understand the goals? Or if you need to put your long term glasses on and take those ‘quick fix’ ones off for a bit? You should also give yourself grace. Gentle parenting is not about being perfect (children or parents), it’s about being real. It’s about screwing up, making things right, constantly learning and forgiving ourselves in order that we can be ‘good enough’.
Yes, gentle parenting is hard, but ultimately we make it a million times harder because of the unecessary pressure we place on ourselves and the unrealistic expectations of ‘results’ that we carry.
Want to learn more about the TRUTH of Gentle Parenting (and not what TikTok or media articles would have you believe?), check out ‘The Gentle Parenting Book‘.